BANG$BANG

Your body may be gone, I’m gonna carry you in. 
In my head, in my heart, in my soul. 
And maybe we’ll get lucky and we’ll both live again. 
Well I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. Don’t think so. 

Mar 22

Monday Feb 14, 2011

Flashy and classy don’t mix this Friday, so save the sequins for another day. The borrowed elegance of French women (avec red lipstick) may seem understated, but among the sea of the over-vamped, it’s exactly what gives you the edge. If you find a minute to bend your boss’ ear before you leave the office, do! You’ll have to keep your pitch short and sweet, but give her something to chew on over the weekend. Next Monday will be far more exhilarating if you take this chance now. An elite invitation may arrive in your Inbox before the weekend officially begins. What are you waiting for? Say yes, Cancer! You may feel slightly intimidated by this group of people, and that is a good thing. You’re stretching into fresh terrain, mingling with a crowd who can help you expand your own horizons. Yes, you’ll have to pay your dues and sit through their hazing process, but keep calm and carry on. Your unflappable cool makes you a natural fit for their inner circle. On a personal note, you may butt up against your own fear of intimacy this weekend. Your soul is longing to connect, but that old familiar voice is yapping away. “What if you get hurt?” it pleads, pulling you back to yourcomfortable (but lonely) shell. Well, Cancer, what if you do? You’ll recover, learn the lessons, and keep it moving. At least you’ll have grown, which makes opening up well worth your while.

Feb 14
happy valentine’s

i know i shouldn’t care, or even miss her, but i do, so much. i can’t even describe the feeling of missing someone so much, thinking about all that you want to say to them, and fiiiiinally getting the balls to log on to facebook to search for them, to send a message, and they aren’t there. either she deleted her facebook, or she completely blocked me from her life. i believe its’ the latter. sandi carver was one of the most important and influential people to ever come into my life, and it’s days like today where i think about her and i really just… have to cry. and wonder why she would just throw me aside and never talk to me ever again. i never did anything but love her unconditionally. it hurts to know that she didn’t feel the same in return, like i always thought she did. i wouldn’t be the person i was today, if it wasn’t for her. in every way. my music, my style, my relationship with henry, my language, my experiences. i just wanna see her. talk to her. tell her how much i miss her, and how much she means/meant to me. see how she’s doing. my biggest fear is that i’ll never, ever, be able to do that, and i’ll live my life wondering where she is, and if she ever thinks about me from time to time. 

it makes me think of tessa. and i feel badly for not letting her back in after she expressed to me how much she wanted that. how much she missed me. i miss her too but sometimes missing someone is not enough. sometimes, no matter how close you were to someone, it’s just never going to be the same and you’ve come to the end of your road. it splits and you each go your own way.

tomorrow, i will go back to the place where sandi used to live. not to see her, or because of her, at all really. for other reasons. however, i know i will close my eyes and see the place where she used to live, and try to get back to that place. and i know i never will.

Jan 23
well, we know we had the good things but those never seemed to last.

if i have to see one more countdown on facebook… it’s like, i get it. you’re all moving away and you’re taking my best friend and all my big plans with you.

everyone is just so different now though, and i’m not sure i mind if everyone just moves on without me.

Aug 13

i waited all this time, and look where we are now. i hope you’re aware that your words mean nothing unless you mean them. because i know you don’t. here’s to summer ‘10 being better than any of the others, being 21, being with old friends, great shows, and hopefully a new job. as fergie says, i should take this opportunity to focus on me, and i guess that’s exactly what i’ll be doing.

May 31

in 6 hours, i will be on a flight to jamaica. and all i can think is that i wish i saw you before i left. i knew this was going to happen.

May 12

you can always remember the points where everything changes. tonight was one of those nights. so was last night.

in addition, am i the only one not counting calories anymore? jesus.

May 11

some people never change. you clearly haven’t, at all. you’re hot and then you’re cold, and bring me to my knees still, even after 2 years. it’s important for one to not get her hopes up, but i always do when it comes to you, and it will just never work. it’s not meant to be, and it never will. i still like looking at you though, so i guess for now, that will just have to do, until you decide you just may want me again. at which point, i probably will not want you. i hate the way things tend to always work out in life. but i guess there’s a reason that you keep slipping out of my reach?

on another note, HCC needs to call, so i can get this show on the road. AND ALSO it is really getting fucking old being 20 years, and 11 months old. 21 cannot come soon enough.

jamaica is less than a week away.

May 6
May 6


uh and its making me crazy
to be your friend when you’re my fantasy

Apr 28